Parenting and Family Happiness

Rewarding fluctuating behavior

Anne, Thanks so much for the comment. I really think, and the message in my work on the subject of peri-adolescence is, that we as parents need to move away from the reward/punish model to seeing what is going on with them as people. The moe we can understand what is pushing them to act the way they do, the more we can empathize. This doesn't mean we should accept really mean behavior. but a lot of the time in this age, they respond well to queries about what's going on with them, or even structure in the form of comments that clarify and define the situation, such as: "mornings seem hard for you these days," or "I bet that's your hormones talking," or even "did I do something to be talked to that way? Are you mad at me?"

I'll write soon about the hormonal and neurological developments that are clashing so badly with the cultural pressures that kids are under now.

Hope this helps. Sarah

Thanks, Debra/Social Pressures in 5th & 6th grade

What are you seeing in your daughter?

One issue I'm having with mine, right now, is that our elementary school hosts dances for 5th and 6th graders, and I don't let her go to them. Psychologists have been researching what happens, over time, with kids who engage in dating and other teen activities prematurely. The thing about dances is that they are a dating/mating/pairing up ritual. Dances have been used, from the beginning of time, as an opportunity for young people to try to find mates. Just look at Jane Austen!

What the researchers found was that, if kids went to dances in 6th grade, by 8th or 9th, they're bored with them already. If they go to proms in 8th, by 10th grade, they're bored with those. So what do they do? More risky things, such as 'sex dancing,'  or parties in which they dare each other to behaviors that would scare us parents to death, if we knew they were doing them.

The problem is that 5th and 6th graders aren't ready to deal with dating rituals. Even if they say they are just hanging around at these events, built into the history of dances, and the structure of dancing, is the fact that you're supposed to pair up with someone with the possible outcome being  romantic interest. Kids go, because their culture is telling them that they are supposed to want to. But, if pressures are left out of it, what they say they want to do is go to skating parties, or learn about astronomy, or whatever interest this age group is primed to explore.

It's a challenge for parents to find a line that supports their true development, while not pulling them so far from their peers. I'll let mine go to dances sooner than my mother let me, but it's not going to be this year.

First Reason that Development is accelerating

As Mary Ann brought up in her comment (1/9/07), hormones added to meat is one thing that is affecting our children's development. As I see it, there are three areas that are accelerating children’s development and thereby precipitating the crisis and confusion that we now see.

The first factor affecting development is that the environment is speeding endocrine (meaning hormonal) development. There are something like 6 million chemicals developed since World War II. The human body is not capable of metabolizing these chemicals. Any that the body cannot metabolize and then eliminate cause the liver and the kidneys, the two major processing and elimination pathways, by which the body clears out toxins and maintains itself, to be overburdened and to precipitate symptoms of chronic disease. So, many of them are affecting children’s immune systems and internal health.

Many of these chemicals also act as hormones. Many of the products that children use regularly are made of plastics that mimic estrogens, in that they trigger, and bind with, the same neural receptors. This means that the body reacts to these plastics as if they are added hormones in the system. Plastic products include those used in baby teethers, bottles holding sodas and drinking water, which break down into the liquids and are ingested, due to the acids in the sodas, shower curtains, toys, toy containers, erasers, furniture, shoes, and all the other things made of plastic that children are now surrounded by. These products then affect children’s reproductive development by stimulating the body to respond to the increased hormonal levels present in the blood stream. Hormones are also routinely added to animal feed to increase the size of the animal and to speed the time from birth to slaughter. It has been seen, when the United States exported beef from cattle raised with added hormones, that children in developing countries would then develop secondary sex characteristics at alarmingly early ages. Girls were growing breasts and pubic hair at 7. The thought was that, since they hadn’t been exposed to chemicals as much as we in the USA, they weren’t used to them, and were then began growing secondary sex characteristics at unusual ages, such as 7.

Can you think of other environmental, meaning chemical, effects on children in your community? What about ELF's?  - extremely low frequency electro-magnetic output, not to mention higher frequency emissions?

How nice to hear from you, Mary Ann!

Hi Mary Ann! How nice to hear from you. I was sorry to lose touch those years ago. I was very interested to hear how things were going. I’m thrilled to hear that I was of help to your family.

Yes, I think that hormones are one aspect of what’s accelerating children today. I think there are other factors, including culture/TV/computers. There is a also normal acceleration in biological functions as well, due to increased nutrition, as well as greadually increasing height and body mass, from generation to generation.

What specifically are you seeing with your dtr? Are you speaking of physical, emotional, behavioral advances?

Startling, huh? Give me some specifics, and I’ll toss out some ideas.

Do keep in touch!

Warmly, Sarah

Empathy Reduces Arguments & Tantrums

Parents can enhance their interactions with infants and small children by improving their empathy.

A student of mine did her doctoral research on mothers and babies. They looked at the mothers' empathy  - their ability to read their babies' communications -  and their responses to their children. In the research, they video'ed the moms, babies, and toddlers, and then had them in therapy groups. The researchers talked with the moms about empathy and what they saw in the tapes about what each mom had missed that their child had been trying to express. The moms hotly denied that they had done what the researchers said.

Then they were shown the videos. All the moms were amazed at the cues they had missed. They then eagerly learned how to read their children more successfully. Consequently, the interactions between mother and child improved, abuse was reduced, tantrums and acting out declined,  because the children felt heard and understood and responded to.

We all care so much about our children, that I think it’s hard to find out what cues we miss.

It IS possible to improve our empathy.

What it takes is stopping, preferably when we have quiet time, and thinking about how our child would feel in a situation

from their point of view.

Try this: settle down, maybe with some paper and a pen. Imagine you are your child’s age, in your child’s situation, with your child’s history. Really let yourself get into the experience of being your child.

Then see how a troubling situation looks from their viewpoint.

• What are they understanding?
• What does it mean to them, based on their history and experience?

The more you can empathize with your child, the more you see them and treat them as real people, who deserve respect for their own reality. When you parent from this perspective, they feel honored as human beings. They also feel received by you, that you’ve really been present with them. They feel understood. So, they will tend to be calmer, more accepting of you, happier.

It’s amazing how many arguments and tantrums are due to the child’s feeling that they were not heard and respected. When you take the time and trouble (because it IS more work up front) to empathize with them, you teach them to honor and respect you, that relationships are happily built on open communication, and then parenting is easier. The early work pays off in less strident interactions and easier negotiations.

Empathy is one of the basic tenets of parenting kids in peri-adolescence (girls 8-10, boys 9-11). Learning about peri-adolescence as a new developmental phase has benefits for parents of kids of all ages. The things that help ease this period deal with communication, building autonomy, instilling respect. Obviously, these improve any relationship, even ours with our spouses! There are also some aspects that relate specifically to the peri-adolescent age group, but I think you’ll see how to adjust those as your kids grow into the other phases.

Try the empathy exercise and let me know what happens!

Introducing PERI-ADOLESCENCE

I’m writing a book proposing a new phase of child development, that I strongly think needs to be recognized. The ideas in it benefit pre-teens and teens as well. These concepts also help marriages, and any other relationship! So, I’m hoping that many folks will find value and be helped to have happier relationships from the book.

I want to discuss it here and get your responses. That’ll help me a lot to fine-tune the material for book form.

I’ve coined the term, “peri-adolescence” to describe the new phase, which in girls is from 8 – 10, and in boys is 9 – 11.

Have you been shocked or surprised by some of the behaviors of your kids in these age groups? Are you surprised by tantrums, rudeness, tough-guy posturing, increased aggression, sneering, or hyper-sensitivity and to tone or comments, leading to outrage and quickly escalating fights? Parents and teachers are seeing moodiness and upset that we used to expect in 13 year olds. What is going on, and why is it happening so much sooner?

The angst that children are evincing looks like adolescence. In early adolescence – 13-14 or so, kids seem so tough and rejecting. They are moody, aloof. They don’t seem to want anything to do with us. In actuality, because of what is happening neurologically, as well as psychologically at this age, their aloofness and rudeness hide a vulnerable and delicate core. It’s as if they know that their sense of self is not ready for public exposure. On some level, they know that they don’t have a clear, strong sense of who they are with which to meet the rigors of adult life.

So it is with 8-11 year olds now. The rudeness, the freaking out, are not signs children are more mature earlier. They are signs that the pressures have increased, the expectations that children feel have increased, and kids don’t know what to do with them, at the same time as their bodies are beginning the second largest change in their lives.

The benefits of recognizing peri-adolescence as a developmental phase are that we can

• reduce painful mislabeling of their behavior and motivations, so that disruptive and conflictual acting out is reduced 
• ease their transition into adolescence
• ensure that teens enjoy a healthy and rich connection with their families thru to adulthood
• increase the possibility that girls, especially, will retain higher self-esteem (I’ll talk about the research that shows how much girls lose their self-confidence as they move from childhood into adolescence)

Is this topic of interest to you? What thoughts do you have as to what’s going on?

Welcome to Parenting & Family Happiness

Let’s hear it for what we parents want most – to enjoy our parenting, and to have family life be happy! This blog is for conversations on what makes both those things probable. My own perspective is that the important elements are

1. empathy – really working to see situations from the other person’s point of view, whether it’s your child or your partner, so that you can see what the is important to them in that moment,
2. self-awareness - becoming more aware of what we’re reacting to in the situation – both our own stuff, and in how we are interpreting the other person’s behavior,
3. stance – besides great how-to tips, and what to avoid, I want to talk about shifting our internal stance, the place we respond from, so that when we are in situations that don’t fit the model of some great tip, we can wing it and come through with a response that’s in line with our values, and what we want to teach or model for our children.

Let me know what is most important to you, in thinking about family interactions and what makes for a happy outcome.